I just had to get my hot little hands on Christopher V. Flett’s book, What Men Don’t Tell Women About Business: Opening Up the Heavily Guarded Alpha Male Playbook, after it was labeled controversial and lumped in with Nina DiSesa’s Seducing the Boys Club (a previous Top Shelf “must read” pick - click here for my review). And, Flett was nice enough to send me one personally.
Now, here’s the thing. I liked the book. A lot. I’m just not sure what all the hoo-haa was about.
As promised, Flett gives us a view of business from the Alpha Male perspective. Having spent the first two-thirds of my career running with the Alpha Males, it’s dead-on. So I am a bit surprised that people find their behavior shocking.
Now, before the angry emails start, let me just say that like Flett, I’m not condoning this behavior or even endorsing it. It is simply a fact of doing business in today’s world where Alpha Males still run the show. Will they run the show forever? Hopefully not, as information and execution is usurping influence, and we’re warming up to the Obama style of leadership. But, in the meantime, Gordon Gecko’s “greed is good” is still the big biz mantra, and if you want to play with the big boys, and don’t get that, then you need to read this book (or at least rent Wall Street and The Godfather Trilogy).
There is so much in the book that’s ripe for discussion, but here are just a few that caught my attention:
- Women are busy networking while men are building powerful networks. Now, as the founder of a women’s network, I could’ve taken this personally and slammed the book down and called it ridiculous. But, then I would be acting like the silly female with whom most alpha males wouldn’t want to do business. The truth is that I wholeheartedly agree with Flett on this issue. I created the DWC networking platform so that women would have opportunities to build themselves a powerful network. Yet, I continue to see women mistaking the networking organization/platform for a “network” when in fact, it’s simply the catalyst (I’d like to think a necessary one!). The women who get this are the ones join the networks to find others with whom to build their own powerful network.
- On a related note, Flett points out that men and women build networks differently. Men don’t need to like the person to do business with them. They just need to know they can deliver.
- Some of the controversy stemmed from Flett using the term “breeders” for women who have children and inconvenience the office with their special needs. While crass, the point he’s making is that if you handle your pregnancy and family obligations in a professional manner - so that it doesn’t cause more work for others than is absolutely necessary - then you can avoid being labeled a breeder. He even provides tips on how to do this.
- Women give too much information. Not only did he discuss this in the context of women not knowing how to keep company secrets, he also makes some very good points about how women could get away with a lot more if they didn’t announce that they were late because the baby got sick/had to go to the doctors, etc. Just walk in, apologize without saying why, state that it won’t happen again and leave it at that! Use a similar strategy when you have to leave early. I long ago discovered that I could leave anytime I wanted to play golf or soccer (meaning I’m the one actually playing, not my kid) with no consequences. But, if I mentioned that it was for a kid thing … it wouldn’t matter how long I’d been outperforming everyone, I’d be right back on Mommy track.
- The difference between Alpha and Beta Males. Alpha Males are the top dogs, the rainmakers, and generally the ones who call all the shots. The Beta Males are of two sorts. The first group wants to be Alphas, but can’t (and aren’t too happy about it). The second group doesn’t want to be Alphas and are content to play a support role. The business world needs both Alphas and Betas, and the Alphas know this. What was interesting to me here is that Flett warns women to be wary of the unhappy Beta Male. They are much more dangerous than Alphas. In fact, when not sucking up to the Alphas, they are malicious bullies to everyone else, especially women. I was fascinated to go back through my career history and found that while Alpha Males liked me and were my biggest supporters, it was always Beta Males and a certain type of Alpha Female with whom I would clash.
- Speaking of Alpha Females. As an Alpha Female, I think Flett hit it on the head. It’s only the unhappy Beta Males (i.e. Alpha wannabes) who are intimidated by an Alpha Female. The Alpha Males don’t mind her if she’s useful, although they are always wondering whether she’s the real deal or is she going to sabotage herself and/or other women in the office. (On a side note, a few of my Alpha Female friends concurred with me that our best personal relationships were with Beta Males of the nicer type, i.e., the ones who would never want to be an Alpha! Who knew Flett’s book could help with dating too?)
- Men will help a guy when he’s down, women will stomp on other women. Throughout the book, Flett points out how women will attack other women even if it means that they themselves go down in flames O.k., that may be a bit extreme, but I can’t disagree. See my comments about Charlotte Allen, who wrote an editorial in the Washington Post about “Why women are dumb.” No man would’ve thrown their entire gender under the bus for sport as she did. Women will still be their own worst enemy most of the time, and the Alpha Males know this and therefore keep their distance, and actually enjoy the spectacle.
- Flett had some good insights into how to communicate with Alpha Males. Ironically, it was somewhat duplicative of DiSesa’s controversial advice with regard to stroking their egos while making your point so that they can save face. Yet, DiSesa, as a woman, got criticized for recommending “flirting” and using sex for basically doing what Flett recommends. (Of course, some of that might be due to the title of the book, but most of that criticism seemed to come from other women … some of whom never even read the book. hmmmm.)
There are way too many other points to mention here. But I’ll close with one that hit home.
- Why do men like dealing with other men? Because there is no drama. I couldn’t agree with Flett more. Although I think it’s more the “fear of drama” as not all women are going to cause drama. It’s just unfortunate that our entire gender gets labeled based on the actions of a drama queen or two. But, this stems back to the basic problem the Alpha Male has, which is that he doesn’t understand women. This means that he is never sure how they might react to something, and therefore it’s simply easier to deal with men who will react predictably and in the same manner as they would.
Top Shelf Bottom Line: I’m adding this one to my must-read list for women (and Beta Males) who want to build successful companies. As you grow your company, you will no doubt run into a few Alpha Males along the way. They may be financing you, working for you, or negotiating with you. And when you do, it will help you to understand their thought process. This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with their thought process, but it gives you a huge advantage when you know what someone thinks about you. Hence the phrase, “The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.”
Even if, like me, you think you know it all, it’s still a useful book. Despite the fact that I had a good bead on the Alpha Male all those years, Flett really helped me understand the problems I’ve had working with unhappy Beta Male types. In fact, I couldn’t help but think back to grammar school when the Alpha Males were picking teams at recess. If the game was soccer or kickball, I was always picked before most of the boys because the Alpha Males didn’t care what gender I was as long as I delivered. Based on Flett’s book this scenario hasn’t changed much.
Of course, there is still discrimination and a gender gap and a whole lot of bad stuff that result from this Alpha Male attitude. But resolving that was not Flett’s goal with this book, he just wanted to start a dialogue.
In any event, I’d like to offer the one piece of advice that helped me succeed when I worked among the Alpha Males. Only work for Alpha Males who have daughters (especially older ones). It’s amazing how their view of the world changes the first time somebody slams a door in their own daughter’s face.
For more from Christopher V. Flett, check out his interview with my partner, Anita Bruzzese on our BlogTalkRadio show – “Smash the Ladder.”
This entry was posted on Thursday, April 10th, 2008 at 2:19 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.8 Responses to “Mean boys”
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April 6th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I finally decided to write a comment on your blog. I just wanted to say good job. I really enjoy reading your posts.
Tina Russell
April 6th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Kathy from the Hot Mommas Project here. Love this post, the reading suggestions, and the “no drama” comment. It’s the team sports analogy and “there’s no crying in baseball.” Thanks for the great information and straight talk.
April 8th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I agree with your point about men like dealing with other men. At one point in my career I worked with 90% women, and I just could not stand it. I could not undrestand why they just could not go into work, shut up and do their jobs. Instead it was constant drama, fighting amongest each other, hurtful gossip, etc. I definitely could have used more men in the mix.
April 9th, 2008 at 7:27 am
[…] right. I’m not adverse to a bad review. I’m adverse to a bad reviewer. Diane’s review took the key pieces out of the book that in her “opinion” presented the most value. […]
April 11th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Great insight! couldn’t agree more about wanting more men in the mix for less drama.
I am inspired to read the book!
Keep em coming!
April 11th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
I to am suprised to hear that people are shocked by the behavior of alpha males in business. Men lack the patience to want to work well with women, so they instead work with men who require no further effort. Great book though for women who need a lesson in the ways of alpha men. I prefer to empower women and encourage reform in policies that have favored men all these years. I actually work with Microsoft, and right now I’m really excited to spread the word about the “Vision to Venture” tour they’re having between April and May, which will consist of five live events. Featured speaker, John Jantsch is a marketing and digital technology coach, award-winning social media publisher, and author of Duct Tape Marketing: The World’s Most Practical Small Business Marketing Guide, as well as many other speakers offering industry tips. The tour is fully geared towards women entrepreneurs and savvy web gals.You can see more and register at http://smallbusiness.officelive.com/v2v/ so let me know what you think! And if you have any questions, I’d be more than happy to answer them !
April 11th, 2008 at 3:17 pm
women will stomp on other women.
This always saddens me. It is a shame that so many women have chosen to go down this path.
May 20th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
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