Top Shelf Reading Picks:

In his two books, The Father Factor  and The Mother Factor, Stephen B. Poulter doesn’t exactly say “blame” your parents. Instead, it’s more like “your parents are what they are,” and here’s how it may have shaped you for both the work force and for life. He also provides lots of tips for how you can make the best of those circumstances.

I noted that The Father Factor: How Your Father’s Legacy Impacts Your Career focused more on careers (as the name implies) than The Mother Factor: How Your Mother’s Emotional Legacy Impacts Your Life, which was more about emotional development. My guess is that this is because Gen X and boomers were largely raised in families where the father worked and the mother stayed home. Yet there are still references in The Mother Factor as to how she could have impacted your work style.

To start this off, I have to just state that, boy, there are a lot of really, really bad parents out there! While I could see traces of my parents as well as my own and other friends’ parenting styles in both books, these really focus on the “beyond normal” parent (I’ve come to know a few in recent years, and he pretty much hits the nail on the head).

Poulter breaks things down into parenting styles. I’m going to combine/condense a bit here, as each type warranted a lengthy chapter in the respective books.

Fathers:

1. Superachievers. Sons/daughters of these dads tend to grow up feeling shame and fearing failure, but can be incredibly hard workers and good at goal setting.
2. Timebombs. Sons/daughters of these dads learn to walk on eggshells and avoid conflict, but develop great people and communication skills.
3. Passives. Sons/daughters of these emotionally distant dads can appear to develop a lack of interest and passion in life/career, but internally they understand the value of relationships and are very reliable.
4. Absents. Sons/daughters of absent fathers can react to many situations with uncontrollable rage, anger and aggression, yet can exhibit strong leadership qualities early on.

The book provides tools and tips for turning what you might view as a negative into a positive. I also liked the section on “Dad’s Rulebook,” about the unspoken “rules” you learned to live by and that may still be affecting you in the workplace: how they treated women, how they felt about their work, etc. (The moms’ book has a similar “Mom’s Rulebook” section).

Mothers:

1. Perfectionists. Sons/daughters of these Bree Van de Kamp (Desperate Housewives) clones can live in a constant state of guilt, shame and never feeling good enough. Yet they generally are very reliable, responsible, loyal and task-oriented.
2. Unpredictables. Sons/daughters of these drama queens (many of whom are likely suffering from a borderline personality disorder*) grew up traumatized by the constant instability of their mother’s mood swings and emotional crises. Fortunately, those who survive tend to be very empathetic and have incredible people skills. They can also be excellent motivators and support systems for others.
3. “Me Firsts.” These moms may also suffer from narcissistic personality disorder and, as a result, their kids don’t get a chance to develop their own sense of self as they learn from an early age that the world revolves around Mom. Curiously, Poulter focuses on steps to heal yourself here without his normal list of good traits. *
4. Best Friends. This is a phenomenon I’m noticing more and more in TV moms such as Lorelei Gilmore and Teri Hatcher’s character on Desperate Housewives. These moms share too much about their personal lives and even dress like their daughters. As a result, their daughters are left basically motherless. Children of these mothers tend to lack respect for authority (hence they make better entrepreneurs than employees), but they can be faithful and have good emotional insights.

The Top Shelf Bottom Line: So can we blame our parents? Or even ourselves for our kids’ issues? Poulter suggests that we benefit from understanding, not blaming. And I’m betting his books can help you do that. They’re a good read for someone who needs to understand his or her emotional limitations and how they might be affecting workstyles, as well as to understand what could be affecting others in the office.

As an afterthought, reading these books reminded me of something a good friend of mine who is an executive coach once told me. She said that she has had to start off many a business coaching session with very high-level CEOs and the like by stating: “Just to be clear. I know you’re mad at your mom and dad, but I can’t change what’s been done. I’m here to focus on your business and things that we can change.” Perhaps she should recommend they read Poulter’s books before their next session?

Click here for more from Stephan B. Poulter, PhD on “Smash the Ladder with Anita & Diane” where he spoke with my co-host Anita Bruzzese about The Mother Factor.

**For more on Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

• Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder
• Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited
• Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents

[Diane's note: I'm off dealing with my website relaunch this week, but thought I'd run a review of a book I haven't read, by my www.womensDISH.com colleague, Susan Hammond.]

The Power of Nice reviewed by guest reviewer Susan Hammond.

From time to time I reread the Power of Nice: How to Conquer the Business World with Kindness by Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval. It’s a quick read on the topic of being nice, and I always find something I new.

Here are a few of the tidbits and musings I found most interesting this time through:

• The Power of Nice Principle Number 6: You will know. This principle reminds us that even if we never again see the person we treated badly, we will know when we haven’t been nice. Long term, this behavior can add to any lack-of-self-esteem issues you might have and jeopardize the successful outcome of a meeting or a relationship. As I write this, Aretha Franklin’s song about R-E-S-P-E-C-T comes to mind.

• The Waffle Ice Cream Cone. During the 1904 World’s Fair the ice cream vendor ran out of bowls to serve his customers. Next to him was a Persian waffle vendor who, rather than turn his back thinking it wasn’t his problem, rolled up a waffle and plopped the ice cream in, creating an early version of the ice cream cone. Both vendors went on to have good sales that day and the waffle vendor went on to make a fortune.

• Teaching Someone to Fish. I have had the opportunity to do a lot of mentoring. The more astute individual always wants to thank me in some material way. I tell them that the greatest thanks is to know that years down the road, when approached by someone just starting out, the individual remembers our work together and provides a helping hand.

• The Power of Nice Principle Number 1: Positive impressions are like seeds. At networking events, really look at and listen to the person speaking to you and remember to smile. Make them feel as if there is no one more important in the room. While you will never know if future good fortune is tied to this specific act you, will have changed the energy in the room and beyond, and you just never know. . .

• Come in Peace. Waving hello, bringing flowers to dinner and clinking glasses–these simple gestures of friendship and niceness started with our ancestors. Waving hello was a way to show the other person you weren’t armed. Bringing flowers and gifts to a neighbor demonstrated good intentions when entering another’s home. Glasses were clinked to cause the contents to slosh together and then everyone knew no one was being poisoned. Next time you’re in a meeting, particularly one that deals with a difficult matter, think about what your body language is saying. What simple gesture can you make to put others at ease?

The Top Shelf Bottom Line: Diane writes: I tend to take Susan’s advice on a lot of things, so maybe I should read this book. Although I probably needed it much more in corporate America (where I had a few “not so nice” moments). But even as an entrepreneur, I still tend to be blunt and “tell it like it is,” and that’s probably much more acceptable if done in a “nice” way. I’ll add this to my summer reading list!

While I wish I were reviewing the actual book, I’m going to instead focus on the mini-series. But I will duly note that I’ve spent the last two months (and much of the past five or six years) giving myself dope-slaps for not reading David McCollough’s masterpiece, John Adams. But too late now. The mini-series became an event in my home that kept us riveted to the TV much the same way Roots did 30 years ago.

I’ve also seen Adams’ letters, which were on exhibit at the Boston Public Library last year, and driven by his home not far from my house (to which I can expect to chaperone many a school field trip over the next few years). So I’m not sure I’m going to feel as compelled to go back now and read it–but I hope some of you do.

Why review John Adams in a column about entrepreneurial books? Because the guy helped launch a whole new country under a whole new style of government. One doesn’t get much more entrepreneurial than that. The storyline encompasses so much (50 years of American history). And yes, there were inaccuracies that HBO had to create to compress the story into seven hours of viewing. For a list, visit Wikipedia and http://loadedquestions.blogspot.com/2008/04/john-adams-book-vs-miniseries.html. But I have limited space, so I will just set down some stream of consciousness thoughts that the miniseries sparked for me about leadership and entrepreneurs and the strong tie between the two.

As mentioned in an earlier post, I think the U.S. has gone a bit off track thinking that leaders need to fit into a certain pre-existing mold. The Founding Fathers were not leaders selected because they fit into an existing schematic. They were elected because the people trusted them to come up with a whole new plan. Hence, they were the ultimate entrepreneurs.

This reminds me of something I once read about law schools in the Boston area. Certain ones prepare you for taking the bar exam (and as a result have higher pass rates) and others  focus on preparing lawyers to create legal systems from scratch. While there is a need for both, I’d rather have graduates of the latter serve as leaders than the former (but, if faced with a particular legal situation, I might prefer the former to the latter!).

The Founding Fathers were not people who your average Jane or Joe Schmoe would want to drink a draught of ale with on a Saturday night. These were highly educated intellectuals who were, for the most part, men of wealth. While I might have wanted to be a fly on the wall at a dinner with Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, I’m guessing it wouldn’t be most people’s idea of a rockin’ Saturday night. I find it absolutely disturbing that candidates in our current election are being attacked for having these traits.

Related to this point, I recently discussed whether to friend or not friend your boss on Facebook. I think there is a line here that shouldn’t necessarily be crossed between leaders and the people that they lead. A leader, whether he or she is a CEO, manager or Founding Father of the United States, needs to be above the people in order to have respect. It doesn’t mean that leaders should be out of touch, but they need to be above the fray on several levels to be effective. Am I the only one who thinks that the U.S. has been taking this “man of the people” thing a bit too far?

Didn’t every entrepreneur feel JA’s pain when he was trying to get credit from the Dutch?

Entrepreneurs cannot work in isolation. They work best when surrounded by other entrepreneurial thinkers. While JA had falling outs with Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Ben Franklin and others, they all needed the contrasting opinions and theories to create the most appropriate result.

One of the contrasts I loved best was when, as he watched the first hot air balloon launch in Paris, JA says something along the lines of “it will never fly,” to which TJ replies, “Yes, but what if it does?” Maybe this statement, not to mention the handsome actor who plays him in the mini-series, was the reason for my new-found crush on TJ. Gotta love a brilliant optimist! Although not sure I can reconcile the whole slave thing–something which also tempered Abigail Adams’ fondness for him. But it just goes to show that even the most brilliant individuals have their blind spots, and that is why they need other brilliant individuals to broaden their focus.

And in a total non sequitur: The things HBO will do to spice up a historical drama. I have to admit, the scene where Abigail and JA reunite in France was a bit jarring. First, because maybe, like with your parents, you just don’t want to think about a Founding Father’s sex life. But second, I found myself wondering whether I was going to be faced next month on Showtime with “The John Adams Sex Tapes.” Then I remembered that Ben Franklin had invented a lot of things in his day, but the hidden video camera wasn’t one of them.

Top Shelf Bottom Line. I really wished now that I had read the book first. But if, like me, you can’t see yourself lugging that tome along with you on your next vacation, then at least check out the HBO mini-series.

I don’t know whether it’s the state of our current presidency or the never-ending presidential nomination process, but I’m a victim of “leadership fatigue.” This is why whenever I pick up my mail these days to find yet another major tome on leadership written by a retiring boomer, espousing all the virtues of “command and control” leadership, I shuffle it right off to the “donate to library” pile.

I have a real problem with the idea that leaders have to fit a certain mold. Yep. Here in the U.S. we have a president who “fit the mold.” That worked out real well, huh? And now we have to listen to how a presidential candidate can’t be a woman, can’t be black, can’t be old, needs more experience, needs less experience, needs to keep his or her preacher, husband and/or staff under control. Needs to be more positive, needs to be more negative, needs to be . . .

The idea of fitting leaders into a preconceived notion of how they should be has always struck me as strange. If Sony or Apple had relied on focus groups and asked Joe and Jane Schmoe on Main Street how they wanted to listen to their music, we would never have had the Walkman or the iPod. How could we have known that’s what we wanted? And this is how I feel about leadership.

A leader should be someone with the ability to think differently–someone who can change a system that has become dysfunctional because he or she is not tied to the original system. Such a person might not know now exactly how he or she is going to change it, but I’d like to think we are a country where leaders are people with the will and insight to make changes where needed.

For me, it’s a bit like the difference between running a small business and being an entrepreneur. Right now we are a country run like a small business. The franchise exists, and we’ve been trying to find the right person who fits the franchise. An entrepreneur, on the other hand, looks at the current business model and changes things, brings efficiencies to an outdated system and challenges us to try new things.

So this week and next I’ll look at two books about presidents who did this. Were they the best presidents? That’s definitely open for debate. Were they the worst? Far from it. We’re arguably living that at the moment, which is why we’ve become a franchise operation desperately in need of a new business model and leadership plan.

While you may not agree with their politics, here’s the first of two books I think we need to consider for our business and for our country.

Written by John A. Barnes, John F. Kennedy on Leadership: The Lessons and Legacy of a President is a look back at how Kennedy changed the rules of the presidency to fit his persona and build his legacy. I read this book two years ago, but I’m still drawn to it. Maybe it’s because of my statements above. JFK didn’t ask what he could do for the U.S. franchise. Instead, he questioned whether the franchise was really doing it for us. (O.K., I’m no JFK when it comes to speech writing, but I just had to toss that in there.)

One thing I really enjoyed about this book is that I always like learning a little history along with some business skills. The book takes us through the Kennedy years and shows how JFK changed the rules of compaigning, challenged tradition, turned weaknesses into strengths, worked positively with the media, wrote speeches that reached his audience and crafted a particular image. At the end of each chapter is a summary of lessons to be learned if you want to do the same.

A few of the takeaways that have stuck with me:

1. Questioning the status quo: Progress is change, and no leader ever became great without breaking rules.
2. Turning liabilities into pluses, making the best of miscalculations and misjudgments, and staying educable: There is value in mistakes, and there is always more to learn.
3. Making decisions: Although you solicit and incorporate many viewpoints, know that the buck stops with you.
4. Presenting an idealized view of what the future can be: Some may feel that “vision” is a tired concept, but properly crafted and communicated, it is a powerful motivator.
5. Finding your own “Bobby”: In building your team, surround yourself with people who not only are trustworthy and competent but also who make your job easier.
6. Being the coolest person in the room: In times of crisis, take the reins. Your people will be looking to you; give them confidence.

Top Shelf Bottom Line: Whether you are an entrepreneur, a business leader, politician or simply a deep thinker, there are some great leadership lessons here that transcend all styles.

Next week: John Adams.