In his two books, The Father Factor and The Mother Factor, Stephen B. Poulter doesn’t exactly say “blame” your parents. Instead, it’s more like “your parents are what they are,” and here’s how it may have shaped you for both the work force and for life. He also provides lots of tips for how you can make the best of those circumstances.
I noted that The Father Factor: How Your Father’s Legacy Impacts Your Career focused more on careers (as the name implies) than The Mother Factor: How Your Mother’s Emotional Legacy Impacts Your Life, which was more about emotional development. My guess is that this is because Gen X and boomers were largely raised in families where the father worked and the mother stayed home. Yet there are still references in The Mother Factor as to how she could have impacted your work style.
To start this off, I have to just state that, boy, there are a lot of really, really bad parents out there! While I could see traces of my parents as well as my own and other friends’ parenting styles in both books, these really focus on the “beyond normal” parent (I’ve come to know a few in recent years, and he pretty much hits the nail on the head).
Poulter breaks things down into parenting styles. I’m going to combine/condense a bit here, as each type warranted a lengthy chapter in the respective books.
Fathers:
- Superachievers. Sons/daughters of these dads tend to grow up feeling shame and fearing failure, but can be incredibly hard workers and good at goal setting.
- Timebombs. Sons/daughters of these dads learn to walk on eggshells and avoid conflict, but develop great people and communication skills.
- Passives. Sons/daughters of these emotionally distant dads can appear to develop a lack of interest and passion in life/career, but internally they understand the value of relationships and are very reliable.
- Absents. Sons/daughters of absent fathers can react to many situations with uncontrollable rage, anger and aggression, yet can exhibit strong leadership qualities early on.
The book provides tools and tips for turning what you might view as a negative into a positive. I also liked the section on “Dad’s Rulebook,” about the unspoken “rules” you learned to live by and that may still be affecting you in the workplace: how they treated women, how they felt about their work, etc. (The moms’ book has a similar “Mom’s Rulebook” section).
Mothers:
- Perfectionists. Sons/daughters of these Bree Van de Kamp (Desperate Housewives) clones can live in a constant state of guilt, shame and never feeling good enough. Yet they generally are very reliable, responsible, loyal and task-oriented.
- Unpredictables. Sons/daughters of these drama queens (many of whom are likely suffering from a borderline personality disorder*) grew up traumatized by the constant instability of their mother’s mood swings and emotional crises. Fortunately, those who survive tend to be very empathetic and have incredible people skills. They can also be excellent motivators and support systems for others.
- “Me Firsts.” These moms may also suffer from narcissistic personality disorder and, as a result, their kids don’t get a chance to develop their own sense of self as they learn from an early age that the world revolves around Mom. Curiously, Poulter focuses on steps to heal yourself here without his normal list of good traits. *
- Best Friends. This is a phenomenon I’m noticing more and more in TV moms such as Lorelei Gilmore and Teri Hatcher’s character on Desperate Housewives. These moms share too much about their personal lives and even dress like their daughters. As a result, their daughters are left basically motherless. Children of these mothers tend to lack respect for authority (hence they make better entrepreneurs than employees), but they can be faithful and have good emotional insights.
The Top Shelf Bottom Line: So can we blame our parents? Or even ourselves for our kids’ issues? Poulter suggests that we benefit from understanding, not blaming. And I’m betting his books can help you do that. They’re a good read for someone who needs to understand his or her emotional limitations and how they might be affecting workstyles, as well as to understand what could be affecting others in the office.
As an afterthought, reading these books reminded me of something a good friend of mine who is an executive coach once told me. She said that she has had to start off many a business coaching session with very high-level CEOs and the like by stating: “Just to be clear. I know you’re mad at your mom and dad, but I can’t change what’s been done. I’m here to focus on your business and things that we can change.” Perhaps she should recommend they read Poulter’s books before their next session?
Click here for more from Stephan B. Poulter, PhD on “Smash the Ladder with Anita & Diane” where he spoke with my co-host Anita Bruzzese about The Mother Factor.
**For more on Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
- Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder
- Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited
- Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-up’s Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents
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