When Keith Ferrazzi’s book Never Eat Alone came out in 2005, I read it and chose not to review it. To me, it was nothing more than a lot of name-dropping by someone (a major extrovert) who wanted to run his life as a nonstop BNI meeting. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But for 99 percent of the rest of the world, even if we wanted to, we couldn’t follow his recommendations due to introverted personalities, family obligations, and the fact that many of us startup entrepreneurs needed to focus on the day-to-day operations and sleep more than three or four hours per night.
However, I have a very different take on Ferrazzi’s new book, Who’s Got Your Back: The Breakthrough Program to Build Deep, Trusting Relationships That Create Success –and Won’t Let You Fail. This is the book I wish he had written back then. The difference between the two? In the first book, Ferrazzi taught people “how to mingle,” not “how to network.” In his new book, amid many mea culpas for the first book (an honorable approach that completely changed my view of Mr. Ferrazzi), he focuses on building relationships rather than building a Rolodex.
Some of my favorite sections from the book include the following:
He notes that the secret to getting into the “club” (e.g., any group of top executives who all do business with one another) is “[caring] about other people’s success rather than just your own. It was a skill that business schools and too many people overlooked.”
I liked the model he used for this book of Jean Nidetch, the founder of Weight Watchers, building support systems to accomplish goals. “Exceptional achievement in work and life is a peer-to-peer collaborative process.”
Much of the beginning is very personal and talks about how, to the outside world, Ferrazzi seemed to be living the high life always surrounded by adoring fans and colleagues, yet he felt isolated and alone, and his company wasn’t making the progress it should have been making.
At their essence, my problems weren’t just business problems. For so many of the daily and strategic issues that a company faces, I relied on the world-class network I had put together, using the insights and guidelines I described in Never Eat Alone. I could turn to any number of clients, lawyers, bankers, vendors, or board members in my network for specific advice. But the help they could give me was relegated to a call here or a coffee there – dribs and drabs. I didn’t have anyone in my life whom I could turn to at any time for a completely candid, no-holds-barred discussion of what was really going on in my life and my business.
My favorite line in the whole book was shortly thereafter where Peter Guber tells him that he needs to be more “elegant,” and then explains that he wasn’t talking about Ferrazzi’s appearance but rather “elegance of purpose and activity.”
“. . . elegance is the art of exerting the minimum amount of effort for the maximum effect, the maximum amount of power and achievement in our life. . . . [Keith] you’re one of the smartest people I know, but you’re working so frenetically.”
Not only could I personally relate to that, this was reminiscent of one of my all-time favorite CoCo Chanel quotes: “Elegance is refusal.”
Other good points:
The difference between mentors and lifelines. Mentors are based on master/apprentice situations, and lifelines are peer-to-peer. This is why this is NOT a book about mentors. On a side note: I’m wondering if mentoring is going to be less of a buzz word as the command-and-control business structure collapses and Generation Y overtakes boomers in the workplace.
But in the meantime, Ferrazzi gives us the four mind-sets to building lifeline relationships:
- Generosity
- Vulnerability
- Candor
- Accountability
He then breaks them down throughout the rest of the book. I particularly liked the section on creating intimate relationships. Of course people will say, “but it’s business, I can’t get intimate.” But Ferrazzi is not talking about dipping your pen in the company ink, he’s talking about making yourself memorable to others. Making yourself memorable is the key to turning mingling into networking, and Ferrazzi gives us tips on how to do it.
The eight steps to instant intimacy:
- Create an authentic environment around you.
- Suspend your prejudices.
- Project the positive.
- Share your passions.
- Talk about your goals and dreams.
- Revisit your past.
- What’s keeping you up at night?
- Future fears.
Another key to creating intimate relationships is being candid. He also includes some great tips for doing this:
- Find people you respect.
- Create the opportunity.
- Make it clear any feedback you get is a gift.
- Acknowledge your faults.
- Tell the other person what you plan to do with the advice.
- Don’t tell them what you want to hear.
- Ask specific questions.
- Take it or leave it–but deliver on safety.
- Pay them back.
The rest of the book is chock-full of advice on how to create your own lifeline relationships from accountability buddies to building a dream team. I confess, I faded a bit in the second half, but that was because he was telling me stuff I already knew. I built my own dream team five years ago in almost the exact manner he lays out. But for those of you who haven’t, that may be the most useful part of the book.
Top Shelf Bottom Line: If you found that mass-market networking does not work for you, then this is a great book to learn how to build the relationships that matter in a manner that is probably much more comfortable. Ferrazzi is his engaging self and the stories of his successes are much better-balanced in this book because they are offset by his honesty about his failures and shortcomings.
This entry was posted on Friday, September 11th, 2009 at 11:32 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.3 Responses to “Keith Ferrazzi Has Your Back”
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September 15th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Hello Diane, glad to know that there’s “nothing wrong” with running your life as a non-stop BNI meeting.
Dr. Ivan Misner
Founder
BNI
September 15th, 2009 at 8:46 am
Dr. Misner – I am honored! What can I say … you set the standard.
Diane
October 6th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Sounds like Korporate Karma! I never want the sale…. I want all the sales there after!